“I am so tired of having these same arguments over and over.  Why won’t you come to counseling with me?” 

Sound familiar?  You and your partner cannot agree on some very important issues and it is causing a significant strain in your marriage.  Your partner refuses to go with you to receive help.

Some thoughts about how to resolve issues that arise in many marriages.  Below are some common arguments that a reluctant spouse offers up as a way to avoid counseling.  Following are remarks that a person either in counseling or unwilling to participate in counseling might respond with.  Remember how important it is to be determined to be even, gentle, kind and non-accusatory as you meet together.

•  “ You are the one with the problem so why should I go?”
•  “Yes, I do have some issues and the counselor is helping me. But I can’t do this by myself.  You could, at least, come along and listen.”
• ...

Distracted

Most of us are. Especially when it comes to those fun little devices called mobile phones - which are becoming our vices. 

Increasingly, couples come to me citing that the main issue in their relationship is lack of focused attention due to their partner consistently being distracted by their phone. 

"He's always on it!... At the dinner table, when we go out to eat, if we're watching a movie, he's checking Instagram, texting his friends, sending emails. It just seems like he never has time for me, let alone focused time. Sometimes I think we'd be closer if we just text each other back and forth. Seems easier for him."

It goes both ways, male and female clients alike are competing for their partners attention because of our handheld devices and it's not getting any easier. 

In a study written in 2017, researchers found that relationship satisfaction and the length of the relationship decreased, while also increasing the risk for depression among the...

When my wife and I had arguments in the early stages of our marriage, we did not have the tools necessary to work through our disagreements. Kate tended to walk out of the room and did not want to talk about the issue any more. I, on the other hand, followed her from room to room, telling her that the conversation was not finished until we came to a resolution. It was a painful, terrible process. Both of us acted immaturely, but we have since added some communication tools to our toolbox, and the disagreements are now much less contentious. 

One of those tools is a list of Fair Fight Rules. These are the boundaries and expectations that you both create for times when conversations devolve into arguments. They are great for clamping down on bad behavior. The exercises included in these pages may cause some heated discussions, and its best to have these rules in place, before you begin in order to minimize the friction. Here are our fair fight rules:

• No...

In this episode with Zach and Kate, they dive into one of the best strategies they have incorporated into their relationship since they got married to make sure they are on the same page, resolve issues quickly, and avoid big problems in the future.

Kate and I have been together now for almost 14 years, and married for almost 13. We have a blended family, 3 kiddos, full time jobs, a full course load in graduate school, and yet our marriage is thriving more than ever. 

Lucky? 

Nope. 

Not even close. 

Kate and I are extremely intentional with meeting each other's needs on a daily basis, and as often as we can, we make time and prioritize "us" time for dates and alone time. Over the years what a date looks like can drastically change ranging on the age of our kiddos and what we have going on in our lives. But the fact remains that we continue to pour into each other and invest into our relationship to keep it growing and moving forward. We made a commitment to prioritizing our relationship and it has paid dividends. 

So what is your story? Where are you at with your spouse? Do you prioritize spending quality time with them? Do you actively engage in bettering your relationship and yourself for your spouse?...

You messed up. You have caused your spouse incredible hurt and now you don’t know what to do. In the moment, your relationship can feel like everything is in tailspin and all you can do is do your best to hold on in the moment.

When we cause incredible hurt for our spouse, one of the main challenges in repairing your relationship is that you have crossed an invisible boundary. By crossing that boundary you have broken trust in your relationship and now your spouse doesn’t feel as safe with you as they once did. 

When I say ‘safe’ I do not mean where someone is physically worried for their safety. I’m talking about your spouse’s ability to be completely vulnerable with you moving forward, to trust that you are going to follow-through, and that you actually mean what you say.

In order to repair the damage you’ve caused in your relationship, you need to be able to ask your spouse for forgiveness. By asking for forgiveness you are...

Feeling overwhelmed? Me too. This morning I woke up, and immediately felt anxious and overwhelmed. Like many of you, I am balancing a career, kids, my marriage, friendships, and graduate school on top of everything. Keeping everything in check, can, at times, feel extremely challenging. 

If you're currently in the same boat as me, I want to share some reminders and tactics I consistently do to help myself get out of the feeling of overwhelm and into a place of gaining clarity, taking back control of my feelings, and working towards identifying what triggers are being set off to make me feel this way. 

• I remind myself that these are feelings and that these feelings or state of mind will pass. In other words, I'm not going to feel like this forever - as long as I recognize how I'm feeling and decide to take action. If you don't take action on how you're feeling, there is a good chance that you going to continue to feel overwhelmed and anxious because you're not addressing...

In the game of relationships, we are never given a playbook with how best we can have critical conversations with our spouse. Communication and conflict resolution are both skills that need to be learned and they aren't something you're just going to be great at - especially dealing with conflict with your spouse. 

Now, is it true that some of us are naturally better communicators or better at handling conflict than others? The short answer is, yes. However, just like any skill, the more you practice and focus on that skill, the better you're going to get at it and the more comfortable you're going to become using the skill. 

This week I've been sharing tips for you and your spouse to press the reset button in your relationship if you haven't been getting along lately. They are the following: 

1. Clarity - in order to understand what's going on in your relationship and why you're fighting, you need to get clarity. One of the best ways to get clarity is to start...