Critical Conversations In Your Marriage
In the game of relationships, we are never given a playbook with how best we can have critical conversations with our spouse. Communication and conflict resolution are both skills that need to be learned and they aren't something you're just going to be great at - especially dealing with conflict with your spouse.
Now, is it true that some of us are naturally better communicators or better at handling conflict than others? The short answer is, yes. However, just like any skill, the more you practice and focus on that skill, the better you're going to get at it and the more comfortable you're going to become using the skill.
This week I've been sharing tips for you and your spouse to press the reset button in your relationship if you haven't been getting along lately. They are the following:
1. Clarity - in order to understand what's going on in your relationship and why you're fighting, you need to get clarity. One of the best ways to get clarity is to start moving your body (i.e., get some exercise). Exercise boosts your "feel-good" hormone called dopamine. Dopamine is a hormone and neurotransmitter that's an important part of your brain's reward system. Dopamine is associated with pleasurable sensations, along with learning and memory.
Here's another reason why you need to move and get exercise - it's going to change your state of mind. When dopamine is released, those "feel-good" hormones start working throughout your body and your mood is lifted, anxiety and negative emotions are released, and you can begin to think clearer.
2. Perspective - before you get ready to blame your spouse, it's a really good idea to take a moment and attempt to see how they are thinking about the problem you are facing and how they might be feeling about that problem. Even when you don't agree with the perspective, gaining an understanding of seeing things through their lenses will help you understand your spouse more, increase your likelihood for empathy for them, and may cause you to change your stance in how you feel.
3. Approach - everyone has a specific way in which they want to be approached and communicated with when they are facing a problem that makes them feel uncomfortable. Some of us appreciate using calm voices, not swearing, or sitting down at the kitchen table when you're going to have a difficult conversation. Others of us don't really care that much and just want to talk it out. The point is that everyone is different and it's incredibly important that you approach your spouse in the way that they will best respond. You HAVE to do this in order to minimize the chances of derailing the moving train once it gets started. Begin to think through how you've typically addressed issues in the past with your spouse. Has it worked? Is it effective? Were you able to reconcile or resolve the issue? If you haven't been able to, it may be time to change your approach so you can have a different outcome.
4. Schedule a Time - most couples never make facing their problems a priority and that's why they actually never resolve their issues. Small problems that could have been resolved easily build up over time and become much bigger, more difficult problems to overcome because the couple doesn't have good practice at handling conflict with each other, and there is a lot more resentment and hurt that has built up over time because the issue(s) haven't been dealt with appropriately.
Take the time to schedule when you're going to work through the issue. This does a few things: (1) It makes the problem a priority because you've scheduled a time to talk about it (2) You now can anticipate the meeting with your spouse and you can prepare emotionally and logically for what you want to say (3) The critical conversation will actually happen.
Conflict doesn't need to be scary in your relationship, but it does need to be addressed. Like any skill, the more you deal with conflict and challenges right away, the better your skills will become, and the faster you'll overcome whatever it is you're fighting about.