Fair Fight Rules

When my wife and I had arguments in the early stages of our marriage, we did not have the tools necessary to work through our disagreements. Kate tended to walk out of the room and did not want to talk about the issue any more. I, on the other hand, followed her from room to room, telling her that the conversation was not finished until we came to a resolution. It was a painful, terrible process. Both of us acted immaturely, but we have since added some communication tools to our toolbox, and the disagreements are now much less contentious. 

One of those tools is a list of Fair Fight Rules. These are the boundaries and expectations that you both create for times when conversations devolve into arguments. They are great for clamping down on bad behavior. The exercises included in these pages may cause some heated discussions, and its best to have these rules in place, before you begin in order to minimize the friction. Here are our fair fight rules:

• No swearing.
• No leaving the room.
• We can call a timeout and take a break if someone needs one.
• No rolling of eyes or negative body language directed at each other. In other words, we have to act like adults, not children. 👶 
• We make sure we know the exact thing we're actually discussing and why.
• We stick to one topic at a time. No jumping around. One topic at a time. 
• No historicizing. No bringing up the past unless it is 💯 relevant to the current conversation.
• We are direct and respectful. We don't dance around the subject. We say exactly how we feel and why we feel that way but are 💯  respectful about it.
• We pick appropriate time(s) and place(s) to discuss the subject at hand. If you're at a family gathering or friend's house, probably not a great idea to solve the world's problems. 
• We don't assume. I am not a mind reader and nor is my wife. Don't make an A#$ out of yourself.
• We paraphrase if we don't understand. We rephrase a statement in a different way if we get stuck.
• We use "I" statements and "feeling" words. We don't play the blame game because we've done this in the past and it bites you in the A#$ every time. 
• We don't deliberately upset each other or Poke The Bear (i.e., push each other's Hot Buttons).
• We don't take a position of power. You better change or else... That never works out well and your partner will never forget. 

These rules are have taken us from having 3 hour fights where I would follow my wife from room to room (first 3 years of our marriage) to 5 minute discussions on the couch with our 6 and 9 year old watching. No joke.

And guess what? 

The Fair Fight Rules that I watch the couples I coach use in their relationships do the same thing. 

Why? 

Because you both are having an opportunity to feel listened to, understood, and you both feel safe entering into having a difficult conversation. 

If you are in a position where you are consistently getting stuck, left feeling disrespected or devalued, sit down and make a list. Write down how you wish important or difficult conversations would look like. Don't like swearing? Write it down. Want the option to take a break without your spouse feeling like you're trying to get out of talking? Take a timeout. 

It may sound overly simplistic, but the simpler you keep your strategies in learning how to fight fair, the easier you'll be able to execute what you want to happen. 

Resolution. 

If after making your Fair Fight Rules, you still need help. Reach out to me at [email protected] to set up a coaching session. 

Thanks, 

Zach