Why Your Marriage Deserves More

Distracted

Most of us are. Especially when it comes to those fun little devices called mobile phones - which are becoming our vices. 

Increasingly, couples come to me citing that the main issue in their relationship is lack of focused attention due to their partner consistently being distracted by their phone. 

"He's always on it!... At the dinner table, when we go out to eat, if we're watching a movie, he's checking Instagram, texting his friends, sending emails. It just seems like he never has time for me, let alone focused time. Sometimes I think we'd be closer if we just text each other back and forth. Seems easier for him."

It goes both ways, male and female clients alike are competing for their partners attention because of our handheld devices and it's not getting any easier. 

In a study written in 2017, researchers found that relationship satisfaction and the length of the relationship decreased, while also increasing the risk for depression among the partners. The study investigated the indirect effect of partner phubbing (I'll get to that in a minute) on depression via relationship satisfaction and the effect it had on relationship length (Xingchao Wang et al., 2017). 

If you've never heard of phubbing before, the dictionary defines it as:

  1. the practice of ignoring one's companion or companions in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.
    "phubbing is just one symptom of our increasing reliance on mobile phones and the internet".
     
     

In a nutshell, the researchers found that one of the reasons phubbing contributed to lowering marital satisfaction was because partners were consistently fighting over the phone usage of their partner. Makes sense right!?!?  By lowering marital satisfaction it affected a partner's depression levels (increasing it) and satisfaction with life.

What Can You Do

If you and your partner are consistently struggling with this topic, the first thing I would do is schedule a time to talk about how it's negatively affecting your relationship and satisfaction with your partner. 

If you are the partner who is raising the issue, make sure that your timing is appropriate. Your approach with this, like any sensitive topic needs to be addressed in the right way at the right time. In other words, scheduling a time to talk about phone usage while you're getting after your partner for being on their phone isn't a good strategy. 

Rather, find a time when phones aren't being used and you have his or her undivided attention. When you bring up your request, it's important to let your partner know that this is NOT the time you want to discuss the issue. You would simply appreciate being able to schedule a time to talk about how you're feeling. This does two things:

1. It addresses the issue and importance it has for you with your partner

2. It allows your partner time to meet your request (i.e., find a time to schedule talking) and process your request (i.e., they can think about how this is affecting you)

When you sit down to talk, make sure that you are able to be succinct in your message and you know what you want to say. Remember, because your previous attempts and requests for decreasing phone usage hasn't worked, your partner may very well not have a ton of patience to hear what you would like to say. From their perspective, they've heard this all before. 

I know this doesn't sound fair, and it doesn't sound right, but we're not talking about fairness in this situation, we're attempting to have your partner truly HEAR you for the first time and empathize with your thoughts, feelings, and current dissatisfaction in your relationship. This requires a different approach and different level of communication so you can make a breakthrough. 

Making Your Request

One of the best ways that I have found couples to be able to navigate through phubbing is to set aside times that are device-free. This allows you to set boundaries with your partner for what you find acceptable and not acceptable for usage. Couples I have worked with in the past have used some of these spaces in their relationship as device-free zones:

1. During dinner or out to eat 

2. Coffee time in the morning (15 - 30 minutes)

3. On a walk

4. Saturday mornings and/or Sunday mornings until 10:30 am

5. While watching a show (Netflix) or a movie

6. The last hour before bed

Don't Be A Phubber

Focused quality time in your relationship can never be overstated as a key building block for relationship satisfaction and longevity. The old saying of "you'll get out of it exactly what you put in" is so true in this circumstance. Your relationship has a much higher probability of succeeding and experiencing happiness the more that you and your partner respond positively to each other's requests and quality time together (a.k.a. distraction free). 

In an article written by Katie Golem, MSW, LSW, who is a writer for the Gottman Institute, describes how couples bid for each other's attention. Bidding is when one partner makes a request to their partner for their attention, etc.  Dr. John Gottman, who popularized the term, has found that successful couples turn toward each other over 80% of the time when their partner bid's for their attention. That's a lot of positive feedback, and it makes a lot of sense. 

In our relationships, especially our intimate relationships, our job is to affirm our partner as much as possible. Positively affirming our partners requests for attention or whatever it may be is really hard to do when we are distracted by our phones or other mediums that are gobbling up our attention. 

So... don't be a phubber. 

If your partner is making a request of you to put down your phone more because they want more of your attention, be glad they're asking for it. They are recognizing that something is off in your relationship and they are attempting in the best way they know how to begin repairing it and improve your relationship together. 

References:

Katie Golem, M. S. W. (2021, February 10). How your smartphone might sabotage your relationship. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/smartphone-might-sabotage-relationship/. 

Wang, X., Xie, X., Wang, Y., Wang, P., & Lei, L. (2017). Partner phubbing and depression among married Chinese adults: The roles of relationship satisfaction and relationship length. Personality and Individual Differences, 110, 12–17. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2017.01.014

 
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