Zach Carlsen is a transformational coach trained in human performance & positive psychology as well as nearly a dozen healing modalities including breathwork, emotional release, mindfulness, & Non-Violent Communication (NVC)  with a Master Coach certification from the Elementum Coaching Institute as well as a certification from Gallup, Inc. as a StrengthsFinder Coach.  He has a background in human communication & pedagogy with advanced degrees from the University of Minnesota and the University of Montana.   

A client recently asked me why my relationship with my wife has been so fulfilling and I told them, it’s because we talk about all the stuff in between us on the couch.

They were like what?

And I said. We made a commitment to each other when we started dating that we would put everything out in the open. So the things that most couples have between them on the couch that they’re thinking and never say to one another, we skip that part. No secrets, no suppressing our real thoughts and feelings about each other, our relationship, and if we have something that is bothering us.

We set a precedence of having open exchanges where we could hurt each others feelings, have big disagreements, and not be very happy with each other.

On the flipside, it created an incredible amount of trust, confidence, and appreciation for each others perspectives.

Because we can talk about anything, I know I can 100% depend on my wife for anything.

If you’re looking to build more intimacy and understanding ...

“I am so tired of having these same arguments over and over.  Why won’t you come to counseling with me?” 

Sound familiar?  You and your partner cannot agree on some very important issues and it is causing a significant strain in your marriage.  Your partner refuses to go with you to receive help.

Some thoughts about how to resolve issues that arise in many marriages.  Below are some common arguments that a reluctant spouse offers up as a way to avoid counseling.  Following are remarks that a person either in counseling or unwilling to participate in counseling might respond with.  Remember how important it is to be determined to be even, gentle, kind and non-accusatory as you meet together.

•  “ You are the one with the problem so why should I go?”
•  “Yes, I do have some issues and the counselor is helping me. But I can’t do this by myself.  You could, at least, come along and listen.”
•  “I don’t have time.”
•  “It’s only one hour a week. Surely you could manage one hour.”
•  “ I don...

When my wife and I had arguments in the early stages of our marriage, we did not have the tools necessary to work through our disagreements. Kate tended to walk out of the room and did not want to talk about the issue any more. I, on the other hand, followed her from room to room, telling her that the conversation was not finished until we came to a resolution. It was a painful, terrible process. Both of us acted immaturely, but we have since added some communication tools to our toolbox, and the disagreements are now much less contentious. 

One of those tools is a list of Fair Fight Rules. These are the boundaries and expectations that you both create for times when conversations devolve into arguments. They are great for clamping down on bad behavior. The exercises included in these pages may cause some heated discussions, and its best to have these rules in place, before you begin in order to minimize the friction. Here are our fair fight rules:

• No swearing.
• No leaving the room...

In this episode with Zach and Kate, they dive into one of the best strategies they have incorporated into their relationship since they got married to make sure they are on the same page, resolve issues quickly, and avoid big problems in the future.

Kate and I have been together now for almost 14 years, and married for almost 13. We have a blended family, 3 kiddos, full time jobs, a full course load in graduate school, and yet our marriage is thriving more than ever. 

Lucky? 

Nope. 

Not even close. 

Kate and I are extremely intentional with meeting each other's needs on a daily basis, and as often as we can, we make time and prioritize "us" time for dates and alone time. Over the years what a date looks like can drastically change ranging on the age of our kiddos and what we have going on in our lives. But the fact remains that we continue to pour into each other and invest into our relationship to keep it growing and moving forward. We made a commitment to prioritizing our relationship and it has paid dividends. 

So what is your story? Where are you at with your spouse? Do you prioritize spending quality time with them? Do you actively engage in bettering your relationship and yourself for your spouse? If you do, great! Keep...

You messed up. You have caused your spouse incredible hurt and now you don’t know what to do. In the moment, your relationship can feel like everything is in tailspin and all you can do is do your best to hold on in the moment.

When we cause incredible hurt for our spouse, one of the main challenges in repairing your relationship is that you have crossed an invisible boundary. By crossing that boundary you have broken trust in your relationship and now your spouse doesn’t feel as safe with you as they once did. 

When I say ‘safe’ I do not mean where someone is physically worried for their safety. I’m talking about your spouse’s ability to be completely vulnerable with you moving forward, to trust that you are going to follow-through, and that you actually mean what you say.

In order to repair the damage you’ve caused in your relationship, you need to be able to ask your spouse for forgiveness. By asking for forgiveness you are acknowledging that you did something wrong, and you are ...