A client recently asked me why my relationship with my wife has been so fulfilling and I told them, it’s because we talk about all the stuff in between us on the couch.

They were like what?

And I said. We made a commitment to each other when we started dating that we would put everything out in the open. So the things that most couples have between them on the couch that they’re thinking and never say to one another, we skip that part. No secrets, no suppressing our real thoughts and feelings about each other, our relationship, and if we have something that is bothering us.

We set a precedence of having open exchanges where we could hurt each others feelings, have big disagreements, and not be very happy with each other.

On the flipside, it created an incredible amount of trust, confidence, and appreciation for each others perspectives.

Because we can talk about anything, I know I can 100% depend on my wife for anything.

If you’re looking to build more intimacy and understanding ...

“I am so tired of having these same arguments over and over.  Why won’t you come to counseling with me?” 

Sound familiar?  You and your partner cannot agree on some very important issues and it is causing a significant strain in your marriage.  Your partner refuses to go with you to receive help.

Some thoughts about how to resolve issues that arise in many marriages.  Below are some common arguments that a reluctant spouse offers up as a way to avoid counseling.  Following are remarks that a person either in counseling or unwilling to participate in counseling might respond with.  Remember how important it is to be determined to be even, gentle, kind and non-accusatory as you meet together.

•  “ You are the one with the problem so why should I go?”
•  “Yes, I do have some issues and the counselor is helping me. But I can’t do this by myself.  You could, at least, come along and listen.”
•  “I don’t have time.”
•  “It’s only one hour a week. Surely you could manage one hour.”
•  “ I don...

When my wife and I had arguments in the early stages of our marriage, we did not have the tools necessary to work through our disagreements. Kate tended to walk out of the room and did not want to talk about the issue any more. I, on the other hand, followed her from room to room, telling her that the conversation was not finished until we came to a resolution. It was a painful, terrible process. Both of us acted immaturely, but we have since added some communication tools to our toolbox, and the disagreements are now much less contentious. 

One of those tools is a list of Fair Fight Rules. These are the boundaries and expectations that you both create for times when conversations devolve into arguments. They are great for clamping down on bad behavior. The exercises included in these pages may cause some heated discussions, and its best to have these rules in place, before you begin in order to minimize the friction. Here are our fair fight rules:

• No swearing.
• No leaving the room...