Why I Don't Focus On Happiness

I feel happy multiple times throughout the day, pretty much every day. Naturally, I'm a glass is half-full type of guy. Since I've been little, I've always been an optimistic person who tries to see the greater good, be empathetic of others who don't treat me well, and smiles and says hello to strangers passing by. I would say I'm blessed in this area of my life because I'm naturally a happy person. 

But...

What about all the other moments in the day when I'm not particularly happy? When I am stressed out, tired, angry, or simply frustrated that things aren't going the way I had planned them? What about when I have a session go longer with a couple that is having a crisis and it makes me late for dinner, and spending time with my wife and kids? 

Well...

In those moments I'm not happy. I'm all of those emotions I laid out earlier. So why don't I focus on happiness or other negative emotions? The reason is because all of these emotions are fleeting. They are momentary,  and they are a choice. 

For a lot of us, this can be a difficult thing to read or hear from a friend, coach or counselor. The idea that we are choosing our emotions can sound absurd and apathetic. But it's true. Think about how fast you can go from one feeling to another. Think about your life when you may have been extremely sad or upset and then something happens or someone says something that makes you laugh uncontrollably. Or if you're in a heated argument with your partner and someone calls you on the phone and you pick up, "Johnson residence" with a sweet, kind, and patient tone. We've all done it, and we've all experienced it. 

Emotions are fleeting, and that's why I don't focus on happiness. I focus on JOY. In my experience, joy is a much stronger feeling than happiness. It is also long lasting. My children, for example, bring me great joy. Yes, they do bring me lots of moments of happiness, but they also can bring me lots of frustration. Sorry kids! But, they always bring me joy. No matter what. I'm forever grateful I'm their dad and I have the opportunity to be their dad, even when we might be upset with each other. No matter what, I have joy in spending my life with them. For me, joy is more of an internal thermometer of if I'm aligning my core values, beliefs, and mission as a person with what impacts me the most in my life. If I start to feel less joyful in my life, it's a good cue for me to recognize that I'm out of alignment with what lights me up the most. 

So if you've been struggling with happiness, or struggling with feeling joyful, I might suggest to you to think about the people, the activities, the things that light you up the most and you intrinsically value and are most grateful for. Focus on aligning your days and thoughts more with those things and I promise you'll begin to experience more joy, more gratitude, and more consistent positive feelings that impact your wellbeing.